The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
