my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
