"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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