Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
