All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
