as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
