Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
