Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think people are normalizing furries
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
