just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize