I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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