We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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