I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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