hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
