There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
