she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
