There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
