I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
