just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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