dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize