Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
