mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
