I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
