god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
