It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
