i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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