There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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