Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
