Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
