Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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