He uses pillows to masturbate.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
