You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
