I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
