Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
