my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
