I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
