Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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