I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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