Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
