grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
