I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
