Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
