Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
