you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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