we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
