just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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