thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
