my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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