News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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