Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this beer tastes like vomit already
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize