I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
