Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
