She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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