Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
