Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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