I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
