Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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