I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
