you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize