if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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