Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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