your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize