the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
