Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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