I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
