Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
