dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
