Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
